


merely mortal

by spiritscript



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Mentions of religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27530155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiritscript/pseuds/spiritscript
Summary: He is neither served nor server at the banquet of beasts.He is entirely guiltless in his mediocrity.Kita Shinsuke has lived among monsters and beasts, but that does not make him any less than them.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	merely mortal

**Author's Note:**

> **Quick brief warning! one mention of chocking, and it's mentioned in tags, but religion is referred to quite a bit**  
> 
> 
> Thank you [K](https://twitter.com/d_fenestrate) for being an enthusiastic beta like always!!

Kita Shinsuke will always remember being told, the gods are always watching. And he will always remember it. And he will always remember what it means—really means.

Twofold in its intentions, it is the instigation of fear and relief of innocence. 

Fear. Of miscalculation, or hubris, or inaction alike—that what one does and is seen to do will be that what chokes you like the singular bite from the fruit of the tree on a singular hill that you were admonished never to eat. 

Relief. Of being protected, from folly and fiction, the abdication of responsibility for that which one can and could and does control, that light that may guide your way through the depths of your wrongdoing, or stop it before conception, a silent warning ever waiting.

It is all but an excuse, a soap or an acid to wash your hands of that damned spot.

You sow, and you grow, and you reap what you do. Even in a flood, you did what you could, there is no greater meaning than, _you should have prepared better._

Most specifically interesting to Shinsuke is what it means to be watched. To be watched one must first be seen. To be seen, one must make themself noticeable. To be noticed, one must do. And that done thing must be more than simple existence; it needs to be a war cry for either side, feverously tumultuous enough to shake and reverberate through the earth and heavens alike like tectonic plates colliding and rolling thunder.

That is not Shinsuke, not something he believes he has achieved, not in the way of some—the monsters and beasts capable of creating and etching their significance into time itself—he has seen do. 

This was, is, never will, be him. 

He is neither served nor server at the banquet of beasts.

He is entirely guiltless in his mediocrity.

In birth he was not swath in the cloak of a king above his fellow man, but with spade in his hand to burrow beneath. There's belief in that what is seen is what matters, but he disagrees with this obstinance, and in defiant rebellion preaches the necessity of that often dismissed. Because it belies the truth which is that without the deep burrowing roots—unseen without searching, not just merely passively watching—there is no tree, without ground there is no height, without below there is no above. 

That is not to take from those who, nails bloody and skin flaying, continue to climb the steep cruel cliffs of desire, those that make themselves seen. He has dwelt among them, monsters and beasts, and has seen the indignation at not doing more, rip through them as they reach ever higher, ever further. Those born with thick burning ichor in their veins pushing them ever further to do more, be more.

The presence and gravitational pull of such creatures is one blindingly familiar to him and so enamouring to him and in his awe at the splendour of their beings he came to understand why it is that planets are dragged into black holes and stars are brightest as they explode. 

And still, this was, is, never will, be him. 

Some may pause to ponder and pity, _poor thing_ , unaware that he has made such beasts bow beneath his very mortal feet. Enough that, in his own way, he could cripple the crowds like the creatures converged about him. In his presence, and for his self, these very beasts have wept for not being enough; for not being as great as he. In fear they shook, in pain they raged, and in battle they have called to him, a mere man, the unseen and unknown, that not worth watching. 

He can make them weak with as much as a pause. Quiet anticipation and bated breath for the way in which he can change and use such inconsequence as air and cartilage into order and resonance in the shape of words. 

Yet he still does not suffer the hamartia of reaching too high nor clipping his wings against bramble branches by drifting too low. Though he may have dreamt about it, of fingers aching and itching to grasp at the entrails of the cloth upon which sat the bounties of gods and beasts, to tug until the thick, sticky ambrosia shattered before him and coated his skin in its implacable facade... He is only human.

Yet he never did, does, will.

How could he then, a mere mortal, have achieved such things except in knowledge of his own inconsequence? 

Freedom comes from knowing that what you do is what matters, not the external forces exerted by unknowable concepts, gilded truth alive only in obstinacy of belief from those that fear their own mistakes and wish to claim, _it was unavoidable_. Charlatans.

Kita Shinsuke has never had qualms nor dissonance towards who he is and what he has been, yet he has found himself and his own structured beliefs challenged as such monuments of great fall before him, crumbling in their countenances for someone as small as him.

And that is the moment when one must remember, between beast and man there is a space—an intenible area of precarious ardour. 

And space always means more, within space there is always possibility, always what could be.

Told, _the gods are always watching,_ but Kita Shinsuke knows better, and never wavers in his credence; he is not the one worth watching. This isn’t something to ponder nor pity, he has resolved that within himself, embraced it and its freedoms. It has, does, and will never make him less than those that are. 

He knows better.

**Author's Note:**

> To everyone I told about Kita fic, I apologise haha
> 
> This took me a lot longer to write than I thought with many, many, many revisions. I just really wanted to try and capture some of the magnificence that is Kita Shinsuke's character but it was _difficult_ and finally I cracked it (well what I wanted to do with it) the other day and finished writing it while listening to a scratched Hozier vinyl on repeat which is an experience in and of itself. Anyway.
> 
> If you liked it I'd love to hear you thoughts or you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmiyamy/status/1327031274859540482?s=19)!


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